Little Bird Poetry

 I push You pull I've waited all my life To be pulled into you All consuming Yet reminiscent of a person my mind swears it once knew It's you It's always been you A figure I'd never been able to make out in the fog The burning sweet smell of smoke that's always lingering in my hair From a cigarette that had always been on someone else's lips I fall deeply Madly into you And I won't fight it I've felt this feeling before Alone In the middle of the night with just the dim light of a lamp and a single candle flickering Backed by the sound of the distant train You were the echoing feeling of my own despair of wondering why that hole wasn't filling, Alone In the midst of North Eastern mountains, You were the unseen presence, the shadow I spoke aloud to as if you were already there, Divinely foreshadowed in the depths of existential introspection, As if the heavenly wanted to foreshadow your arrival, Alone When I was knee to tile, unable to stand after the...

How do I even put this ineffable feeling to word, Like my mind is more clear? How am I to articulate the feeling of being awake, After so long asleep? It feels as though the weight has not been lifted, But merely shifted to part of myself where it feels more bearable. A purpose, a peace, renewed within myself. A sudden realization of self, hitting my stride and feeling so wonderfully at peace with it all. I have sat, for the evening, listening to the ticking of my flea market clock, Watching the sun set through my window, Feeling the warmth as it gradually fades from light, to a gentle glow in my chest. No one thing has brought me here, no one person has led the charge. I simply have found myself overlooking a meadow, where there was once a barren field. No one moment has brought upon this epiphany of self. Yet, I find myself standing here, nonetheless, breathless, in this moment I wondered to know if it'd ever come. Like pieces finally clicking together, like a pregnant desire fin...

I look back into the void and see a set of eyes looking back Reflecting parts of myself back I had long laid to rest As I no longer feel the need to hide Ineffable is not even close to the word that I feel accurately articulates the way I feel Not lightning  Nor thunder Not flashing Nor light Just warmth.  Like the first real ray of sun cresting the mountain after a long winter, Just subtle wind, winding change, snaking its way through the folds of my own inter-workings Quiet and calm A voice comes through Changing of waves that interlink in a way two long lost puzzle pieces connect You, the final piece of the mosaic, prized, that an artisan has searched high and low for I look forward, seeing myself reflected back in the figure of another How striking, how odd, to feel myself mirrored, How I may be able to speak and be understood, not simply listened to like a record on repeat, How is it possible I come across someone who so closely mirrors the walk I've tread, How have I not...

 "Why is it that grief cannot be a straight forward path?" I can't seem to comprehend  An arrow, shot from the bend of a bow is direct, Piercing, pulling, tearing, Slicing its way cleanly from one side to the other of my soul, Just like the day I lost you. What bitter games do the gods play, Is it to their delight to watch me find my way around and around with it? The same way we may observe a dog chasing it's own tail, A silly thing to watch them catch it, only for them to realize it was attached to themselves all along. I can't escape the loss, just like an appendage I feel I've lost, the ghost of sensations that no longer I am able to feel. I grieve an ever distant growing image of you. Like a photograph carefully preserved. I see the corners of your mouth turned up, the way your teeth dance across your lower lip, Hair ruffled in the way only my fingers could've been the cause of. Like the photo that graces the front of an end of life service pamphlet, ...

 It’s mid summer now The air has changed into a thick blanket Warm Humid Wrapping me like a small child in desperate need of reassurance  I feel coddled by the song of cicadas and the distance bark of dogs The sounds of the train rumbling in the distance that beats the tracks like my heart in my chest It brings along with it the dull ache in my chest Echoes not of just one But many come and gone I see you in the distant flashes of the heat lightning that strikes on the horizon  Silent Bold And so captivating I want to reach out and grab hold of it Intertwining my fingers with the tendrils of clouds I can barely make out each time the light flashes out Deeply desiring to feel the same strike in my own heart again I feel it starting to itch again That deep sense of longing Of needing Something to make my still heart beat Something to make my sluggish mind race I miss the comfort The deep feeling of being loved for more than the sum of parts that I am so quickly thrown toget...

How odd is it, to be haunted by someone who is still alive. How odd it is, even more so, to be haunted by versions of myself, whom of which some days, does not feel like to even still be alive. I reach, sometimes, to check my own pulse in some type of repetitive ritual in order to ensure that my heart, in fact still beats, even if it is without cause. I ponder purpose, quite frequently in my own musings and downward spirals, yet an epiphany of purpose has yet to strike.  Time passes yet somedays I feel like I remain rooted in place. Watching people pass by on their way to the next phase of their lives.  I'm so focused in on it that I feel like I miss my own growth that seemingly happens so slowly, it is hardly noticeable to the naked eye.  What is it, the force that causes the hands of time to march forward each hour, minute, second? What gives it the strength to move even while I can hardly find it in myself to tick on? Why watch when my own hands seem to just shake inst...

 Where am I now? A cross road of the multiple past versions of myself watching me from behind, the plethora of possibilities watching me from the front, every which way there are eyes tracking each step forward I take with a bated breath, unsure whether or not they should call after me or coax me forward, unsure of which way I should wander or run full speed towards, not to wander off and be lost, or run forward with the passion of lovers again reunited, where am I now? Within the realm of every possibility that really could take me every which way. Which way am I supposed to go?  I ask myself that frequently. As I am finally at a point in which everything is directly within my reach.  Not for the fear of failure, but the curiosity of what is to come. I have been the fool to dance in the court of men The servant washing the feet of my fellow man I have been the woman in black called to carry off the dead from the lives of others The trusted therapist for those who have no...

 I had a dream The other night You sat across from me The room was white Sterile in a way The look you gave me was one I had all but forgotten Kindness sat in the crinkles of your eyes Just like the way you used to smile when your told me you loved me It sucked the pain right out of my chest The warmth thawed the parts I had all but forgotten  “I’m sorry” Was the only thing I could let escape me Popping the cork from the top of the bottle of all the words I’d forgotten I wanted to say “I know”  The words echoed in the seemingly infinite space We sat for a moment Just like we once did In the space between affections exchanged “You know I loved you more than I could ever say”  The words cut through my mouth Threatening to have blood slip its way between the space where my teeth don’t quite meet “I know, I always did” Was the response that you gave me Your face depicting something I couldn’t quite distinguish “It’s ok.”  The phrase jerks me awake Leaving me to wond...

 Watching the train Moving its way through the mist The sun barely up  To just wake the dew on the grass I take a deep breath Of the spring air Mixed with the scent of damp clay I close my eyes Just for a moment Letting the rumble sync with the beating of my heart The sky is grey In a way that calms the soul  Familiarity brings peace  To my own inner storm 

 Is it too much To want to breathe the air inside your lungs  To have the over bearing desire to want to place myself under your skin Like an itch you can’t scratch Is it too much To want to hold the sides of your face Look into your eyes and see the time gone by reflected in one And the time I’ve missed in the other Is it too much To look back and want to squeeze the life from the memories we share Not through a text But to go back and actually be there? Is it too much To want to go back  And erase the earth that I’ve left scorched To be seated Watching the sunset from the porch Sitting amongst the slivers of the summer air  What I’d give sometimes to go back and be there What is it  That I’m supposed to do Is it too much To be so torn about these feelings for you?

 The Deep South, hot, humid and unforgiving, You can see it etched in the faces of those born here, In the face of the farmer, who worked beneath his father and the one before, In the face of the pastor, proclaiming his faith and preaching it out upon his weary congregation, In the face of the grocery store clerk, emptying buggies, greeting each person they meet, In the face of the hardened labor hand, working hard so the mother of his children at home doesn't have to, I see it in myself, In every mirror that hangs in these halls, The lines etched in the same places,  Those of worry, those of fear, those of disparity,  Those of laughter shared, smiles that never quite faded,  This land is tough, so is this town, Each and every one that comes and goes, Yet, it feels so foreign to me. My hands are no longer calloused and rough, The skin on my back has softened, My skin glows white like the moon, Instead of reflecting a tan from the hot summer sun, I am from this red cl...

 I stare down the same oak tree that has been imprinted on my earliest memories, I've watched it through the seasons, Lush and green, Barren and brown with cold wind moving it's branches, I have seen many a "Car for Sale by Owner" parked in the shade, Lemonade stands, Yard sales, Even trucks with the bed down, holding a litter of puppies, "free to a good home", Men, women, children, Hundreds of faces, People who make up the blood and backbone of this tiny town, All have come together beneath this tree, I see it everyday now, Like a checkpoint, A save, I've made it far enough to see this tree, That has watched three generations of my family drive by, I wonder if any other of them notice it, This old oak seated by the intersection of railway and roadway, Just down the road, From my grandparent's home, The one where my aunts grew up, Where my father picked up my mother for their first date, Right down the road from the first double wide that became the ...

 My the blood in my veins The same that snakes it's way through my heart How could you You would set me alight Only to step back and watch Reminding me that I am the one to blame  For you flicking that match Like a cat to a mouse Not stalked by necessity Waiting for the perfect moment To dig your claws in Not to kill But to toy with Toss And break No one feels bad for the mouse No one wants to stop the cat For every person I went to Limping, unable to ask for help You followed close behind To distract them from the atrocity To push and purr your way out of responsibility  For who blames the cat When the mouse carries alone the stigma Oh the mouse, wild, dirty, misplaced only by the fact it is in the house The mouse could carry disease, oh yes the disease will spread, Look at the blood pooling between the teeth as it gasps for air, It must be harboring something, Who blames the cat? Who blames it for doing what most people think is natural My life a game to you I am far ou...

 The mountains are so beautiful this time of year As I watch the sun behind ride the horizon The highway is quiet As I feel the cold air from the crack in my window I’ve been a long time gone And a longer time to where I’m going  When an old feeling washes by Like the fading colors of the Pennsylvania sky It settles deep in my chest Warm like the embers of my mother’s hearth Old yet familiar  A sense of peace blooms from my sternum So out of place from where I currently sit A passing yet raw feeling of what it was like to have someone there Someone to share moments like this How long have I been on the move now Place to place  Without that sense of feeling safe This emotion greets me like a lover I no longer know yet someone I also have not met Maybe it’s the time of the season And the snowy mountain roads That brings it back to me That sense of being loved and knowing that everything is going to be alright I try so hard to be present with it Not knowing how long it ...

It’s not that I don’t trust you It’s that I simply cannot I am so sick of being the one who bares the weight of dragging your body along I have been deprived of being a mother My womb is not built to carry But that is not equally balanced By having to raise another woman’s son Of whom is already fully grown I do not want “maybes” “mights” or “some days” I want to sow the seeds with someone who is equally willing to bare the weight of the planting  So that I do not stand alone in the harvest

 I am no dog. I will not wait for you. You are not a master for me to serve, You were never one worthy of my companionship. I followed you until my feet bled and my muzzle was bloodied and torn  Until my paw pads raw Until my throat hoarse from barking your name  Whining screaming crying and howling for a man who was never worth a whimper Fuck you Fuck your sweet words that turned from honey to syrupy arsenic You are so fucking incapable of loving anything beside your own fucking self Your pathetic excuse of self worth that balances solely on the reflection of a mirror instead of who you actually are behind that thick wall you call a face Not only did you lie But you fucking cheated You cheated me You built a future with your words that your eyes knew they would never lay upon You sold yourself to me as a man worth your weight in gold Shame on me for not reading the fool in front of that One of the few I was ever fucking dumb enough to let close I shot myself in the foot ...

 Nothing makes sense anymore However I don’t think it ever really did Looking back and dragging myself forward All with the force of my own mind Numb to the present Sunk into the past Did I ever really have a time that was really “good”? Or was it always this bad Has it always been this bad? How is it I feel so blinded by the present That I prefer the suffering of the past Maybe it’s just the fact I acclimated to the suffering  Like a frog in a pot slow to boil Am I blissfully unaware that I’ve always been on fire? Or is it simply that I lost the fight, yet stand for another beating through clenched and bloody teeth? Have I ever really fought Or have I been lucky Everyone tells me I’m so strong  But I don’t feel strong I don’t feel brave I don’t feel like a success story I feel like somehow some way I was tragically lucky Forced to stay alive to continually endure the beatings What have I ever really done Besides to be the poster child of lessons written in the mind of Ae...

Whispers of what once was float through my brain and behind my eyelids as I attempt to sleep Flicking through stations of long past conversations Words said and unsaid just out of my grasp Never linger long enough for me to reach out for What a horrific pain Like a cracked rib It digs into my side and aches through my chest to my heart I clutch it as if it's going to stop beating Everything is changing and I scream silently  The big light really hurts my eyes these days Having to mourn you Having to remember you longer than I ever got to love you Having to look back at all the reflections of the versions of me you got that aren't coming back Is my daily living hell "I wanted to leave you better than I found you" Fuck you. I wish you never found me to begin with I wish I never loved you I wish I never poured into you like a white water river Overflowing with every feeling I had fought to desperately never feel Our meeting was a car wreck on a dark road in the middle of...

I loved you with my whole heart And you left it to the birds Picking and tearing and ripping it apart Claiming it to be in safe keeping Standing just close enough that no one else can walk away with it But making no effort to hold it again You stare at it as it rots and call out your own words of suffering You watch the vultures rip the sinews As you pluck your own strings singing in self pitied sorrow What a melancholy song you play At the expense of my suffering I walk with my chest empty Not being allowed to retrieve it Being told I'm the selfish for wanting to fix it And once again take the rotting flesh to breathe new life into it You never screamed Never hit me But you still left me empty I loved you so much it bridged the space you forced between us I'm ready to burn it Warm my cold hands that have been deprived of circulation I'm so sick of waiting for you to decide to be the man  You once convinced me you were.

 My hands are shoved deep in my coat pockets The wind cutting and cold I barely look up as the cars fly past Fingertips brushing something I pull it out Seeing it It hits me like the Greyhound flying by A simple piece of paper Your name bared across it Grief It is the only receipt that love leaves us The only proof showing that it ever existed Forming a sucking chest wound A whirlpool so strong it cracks my sternum Bringing me to my knees Reminding me of why I can't love like that again Gritting my teeth and spitting out the blood From biting my tongue so hard  As to prevent myself from speaking your name I let you in like a front door swung wide Greeting an unfamiliar guest Allowing you to walk in With no regard as to how you may redecorate Rearrange Clean up  Clean out I'll never again be the same Yet you'll never be here to see it