Transmogrify

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Whispers of what once was float through my brain and behind my eyelids as I attempt to sleep

Flicking through stations of long past conversations

Words said and unsaid just out of my grasp

Never linger long enough for me to reach out for


What a horrific pain

Like a cracked rib

It digs into my side and aches through my chest to my heart

I clutch it as if it's going to stop beating

Everything is changing and I scream silently 

The big light really hurts my eyes these days


Having to mourn you

Having to remember you longer than I ever got to love you

Having to look back at all the reflections of the versions of me you got that aren't coming back

Is my daily living hell


"I wanted to leave you better than I found you"

Fuck you.


I wish you never found me to begin with

I wish I never loved you

I wish I never poured into you like a white water river

Overflowing with every feeling I had fought to desperately never feel


Our meeting was a car wreck on a dark road in the middle of a storm

I feel like I was dead at the scene

Only warmed by the sun that existed in my own mind

My mind blindly turned that corner

Refusing to see the impending death that would greet it


Every inch of my skin screams for the hands that once soothed it

Every other hand after makes me crawl

I want to forget the sound of your laugh

I want to take tweezers and rip out every hair you ever stroked

I want to boil myself alive to remove any of you that might be lingering

I want to scream until my voice is so hoarse it doesn't line up with how you remember it


You selfish asshole.


You could never have loved me

You could never have really wanted me that badly

If you did you would have wanted to stay

Not leave me in some bullshit self righteous act of self sacrifice 


You and your misguided sense of lone wolf mentality is going to ruin you


I hope I haunt you for the rest of your life

I hope the sight of me clutching my own shirt as I crumbled to my knees sobbing so hard the gods looked at me in pity is burned into the fabric of your being

I hope my tear stained face appears in the reflection of every rain soaked window you ever look through

I hope every song you hear of lost love pulls every chord of your heart strings until they snap

I hope every sunrise and sunset is overshadowed by the emptiness of the space next to you that I once filled

I hope every feather that falls in your path is a thorn that digs into you heel

I desperately hope that maybe one day you'll be able to feel even a splinter of the shattering you caused me.


You're right when you said I deserved better.

I wish you could've been better.





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