Little Bird Poetry

 The mountains are so beautiful this time of year As I watch the sun behind ride the horizon The highway is quiet As I feel the cold air from the crack in my window I’ve been a long time gone And a longer time to where I’m going  When an old feeling washes by Like the fading colors of the Pennsylvania sky It settles deep in my chest Warm like the embers of my mother’s hearth Old yet familiar  A sense of peace blooms from my sternum So out of place from where I currently sit A passing yet raw feeling of what it was like to have someone there Someone to share moments like this How long have I been on the move now Place to place  Without that sense of feeling safe This emotion greets me like a lover I no longer know yet someone I also have not met Maybe it’s the time of the season And the snowy mountain roads That brings it back to me That sense of being loved and knowing that everything is going to be alright I try so hard to be present with it Not knowing how long it ...

It’s not that I don’t trust you It’s that I simply cannot I am so sick of being the one who bares the weight of dragging your body along I have been deprived of being a mother My womb is not built to carry But that is not equally balanced By having to raise another woman’s son Of whom is already fully grown I do not want “maybes” “mights” or “some days” I want to sow the seeds with someone who is equally willing to bare the weight of the planting  So that I do not stand alone in the harvest

 I am no dog. I will not wait for you. You are not a master for me to serve, You were never one worthy of my companionship. I followed you until my feet bled and my muzzle was bloodied and torn  Until my paw pads raw Until my throat hoarse from barking your name  Whining screaming crying and howling for a man who was never worth a whimper Fuck you Fuck your sweet words that turned from honey to syrupy arsenic You are so fucking incapable of loving anything beside your own fucking self Your pathetic excuse of self worth that balances solely on the reflection of a mirror instead of who you actually are behind that thick wall you call a face Not only did you lie But you fucking cheated You cheated me You built a future with your words that your eyes knew they would never lay upon You sold yourself to me as a man worth your weight in gold Shame on me for not reading the fool in front of that One of the few I was ever fucking dumb enough to let close I shot myself in the foot ...

 Nothing makes sense anymore However I don’t think it ever really did Looking back and dragging myself forward All with the force of my own mind Numb to the present Sunk into the past Did I ever really have a time that was really “good”? Or was it always this bad Has it always been this bad? How is it I feel so blinded by the present That I prefer the suffering of the past Maybe it’s just the fact I acclimated to the suffering  Like a frog in a pot slow to boil Am I blissfully unaware that I’ve always been on fire? Or is it simply that I lost the fight, yet stand for another beating through clenched and bloody teeth? Have I ever really fought Or have I been lucky Everyone tells me I’m so strong  But I don’t feel strong I don’t feel brave I don’t feel like a success story I feel like somehow some way I was tragically lucky Forced to stay alive to continually endure the beatings What have I ever really done Besides to be the poster child of lessons written in the mind of Ae...

Whispers of what once was float through my brain and behind my eyelids as I attempt to sleep Flicking through stations of long past conversations Words said and unsaid just out of my grasp Never linger long enough for me to reach out for What a horrific pain Like a cracked rib It digs into my side and aches through my chest to my heart I clutch it as if it's going to stop beating Everything is changing and I scream silently  The big light really hurts my eyes these days Having to mourn you Having to remember you longer than I ever got to love you Having to look back at all the reflections of the versions of me you got that aren't coming back Is my daily living hell "I wanted to leave you better than I found you" Fuck you. I wish you never found me to begin with I wish I never loved you I wish I never poured into you like a white water river Overflowing with every feeling I had fought to desperately never feel Our meeting was a car wreck on a dark road in the middle of...

I loved you with my whole heart And you left it to the birds Picking and tearing and ripping it apart Claiming it to be in safe keeping Standing just close enough that no one else can walk away with it But making no effort to hold it again You stare at it as it rots and call out your own words of suffering You watch the vultures rip the sinews As you pluck your own strings singing in self pitied sorrow What a melancholy song you play At the expense of my suffering I walk with my chest empty Not being allowed to retrieve it Being told I'm the selfish for wanting to fix it And once again take the rotting flesh to breathe new life into it You never screamed Never hit me But you still left me empty I loved you so much it bridged the space you forced between us I'm ready to burn it Warm my cold hands that have been deprived of circulation I'm so sick of waiting for you to decide to be the man  You once convinced me you were.

 My hands are shoved deep in my coat pockets The wind cutting and cold I barely look up as the cars fly past Fingertips brushing something I pull it out Seeing it It hits me like the Greyhound flying by A simple piece of paper Your name bared across it Grief It is the only receipt that love leaves us The only proof showing that it ever existed Forming a sucking chest wound A whirlpool so strong it cracks my sternum Bringing me to my knees Reminding me of why I can't love like that again Gritting my teeth and spitting out the blood From biting my tongue so hard  As to prevent myself from speaking your name I let you in like a front door swung wide Greeting an unfamiliar guest Allowing you to walk in With no regard as to how you may redecorate Rearrange Clean up  Clean out I'll never again be the same Yet you'll never be here to see it