Home

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 Buildings constructed 

on foundations

of infidelity and false love

slamming doors

the wretched scent of drunkenness 

seeping through 

weakly locked doors 

fear being the smell 

the clung to the air

was where I came from

never knowing 

from one day to the next

if my borrowed keys 

would turn the locks

who

or what

I came home to 

being a mystery


until you


once

you were the place I could go

no matter what weight I bore

you were always there 

to help lift the suffering

you were warm

safe

you were home


now your doorways

are a stranger to me

your eyes

once a window into my soul

are shuttered tightly

almost as if afraid to catch glimpse of me


all I ever wanted to do

was right by you

I was promised

the gate would be unlatched 

if the wind ever changed its course

yet now

there is nothing but the cold sting

of rain

pouring from crackling skies

chilling my bones

turning my heart frigid

I never wanted to hurt you

but I overcorrected

while trying to steer away

causing a fatal collision

with myself 

and my shortcomings


I realize now

I was never enough

and I will never be enough

as you deserve better

the better I'll never be

the better you were never able to see in me


so while you move on

building home with her

I stand in the storm

forcing myself to muster 

something of a smile

trying to be happy for you

through the ripping of my own heart

the one that beat for you

left abandoned

just like you promised me

that it never would be


I hope the home you build

makes you happy in the ways I couldn't 

because it's destroying me


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